Peaceful Family - What is your fighting style?

This morning I was scheduled for a Pre-K Parent Meeting to discuss the graduation ceremony for my daughter's class. When I arrive at the school the staff doesn't seem to be aware of the meeting, except the actual teachers. We are told to wait in room 114 to wait for the teachers to come in to talk to us. In room 114 there was a workshop being held there about Peaceful Families. How to deal with anger in the home. The teachers came gave us a 5 min briefing of the graduation ceremony and then left. And we were tricked into staying at the workshop.
I could have left, but for some reason I decided to stay and I found it very interesting. I first thought this workshop was about anger between spouses, and I thought that I didn't need it as my husband and me are getting along pretty good these days. But when I realized that the workshop was to help parents deal with the children's anger, visions of Elsie throwing tantrums and Gaby doing yelling matches with her sister made me want to stay.
The first part of the workshop divided the parents into groups according to their birth order. Only child, Oldest, middle child, youngest and blended mix. I went over to the Only child section, even thought I have two siblings on my father's side, I did not grow up with them, so I am still considered an only child in this case.
So, the teacher explained that our birth order determined some characteristics of our personalities based on our experiences as a child. And also now our children have maybe a different birth order or sibling situation than we had so they also experience things sometimes in a very different way than we grew up with. I could relate, I as an only child have a hard time understanding sibling rivalry or why do sisters tend to fight so much for the simplest of things. And I can also identify how my oldest daughter tends to feel as if she is responsible for her sister and she tends to scold her even if I don't ask this of her. She feels as if it is her responsibility to teach her sister what I taught her, and it is very hard for me to explain to her that she doesn't have to do that. She can very well allow me to deal with all the discipline, and when she doesn't then I feel like I am battling constantly with her about it. Another aspect of this birth order characteristics that I noticed was that my youngest tends to be a little spoiled, she is used to getting her way and feels like she doesn't have to work hard to obtain something.

The second part of the workshop asked us parents to choose an animal that resembled out fighting technique. Many parents chose the tiger, jaguar, lion. But I chose the turtle, a snapping turtle. I tend to avoid confrontation, tend to hide in a shell, but when angry can snap back at people.

After this exercise the teacher handed down a paper that gave a list of different Conflict Management Styles and how each of them had a time and a place. That it was more effective to deal with conflicts in different ways depending with the situation than if you tend to use the same cookie cutter response for everything.

The Conflict Management Styles are the following:

-Directing/Controlling - "My way or the Highway"
  This kind of Style is best used in a situation where Immediate action is required or when there is a safety concern.

-Collaborating - "Let's work it out"
This style is best suited for occasions when there is time to create a mutually satisfying solution, when the needs of both parties are compatible, and when there are many points of view.

-Compromising - "Something is better than nothing"
Good for fast decisions in minor issues, when there doesn't seem to be another solution.

-Accomodating - "Give in" or "Let go"
When the relationship is more important than the issue at hand. When we want to show our willingness to be flexible, when we expect to have a turn next time.

-Avoiding/Denying - "Walk away" or "What Problem? There's no Problem."
When confronting is unsafe or damaging. When the battle is not worth picking, when you want ot cool down and make a plan

-Appeal to a Third Party - "Help me out here"
When parties are not able to reach agreement by themselves, when there is power imbalance and someone can serve as an ally.

After that the teacher explained that with children we have to not only help them deal with conflict but give them alternatives of how to react when they feel upset.
She pointed out that Anger is just the tip of the iceberg, that underneath there is a mix of emotions from fear, inadequacy, shame, hurt. We need to teach our children to develop a feelings vocabulary, to identify anger cues, and find anger reducers, identify anger triggers and identify the ways that one makes others angry.

Even though the time ended and we were not able to go into more detail on this last part, I think that this workshop was very helpful as it made me realize that I have to find a way to teach my children how to deal with their own anger and help them find appropriate ways to express them. Because it is OK to be angry, but it is not OK to be rude.