Journey to Self Discovery

Not all of you know me well yet, but I want to share that for a lot of my life I have been trying to search for my True Identity. That's why I have started this Blog to begin with. Because I believe that if we help our children be true to themselves right from the beginning, then they will grow to be self confident, happy individuals. And that is my goal, to help parents all over the world to help their kids find their true selves, and at the same time help the parents to find themselves as well, because I know from experience that many times, parents, especially moms, tend to loose part of themselves after they get married, and even more when they have kids. Because women are usually raised to be selfless and nurturing, and they tend to take care of others all the time, and put themselves last. This is not the case with everyone, but I have met many people who have this problem. I am now so much closer to being my true self than I have ever been before, but I still have a bit more to go. I hope that by me telling my story I will be able to help others along the way.

I won't start at the beginning, or say the reasons why things happen the way they do, but I just want to share an experience with all of you.

When I was a little girl I occupied my time doing one of several things, reading, writing my dreams and making stories out of them, drawing, day dreaming, and watching TV and movies and obsessing about famous people. As I grew I came to think that the things I used to do when I was a child were nonsense. So I stopped doing them. I stopped doing every single thing I loved doing as a child and I was left with nothing. After I got married and had children I concentrated on trying to fit this idea of what I thought the perfect wife and mother should be, and idea that I got from somewhere else, not from my heart. I kept trying and trying to be something that I felt I couldn't be. For years I did this, and I lost myself, I lost all interest in things, I became a boring person, just following along, doing what I felt I had to do, not liking anything. I even decided to stop looking at things that I liked, I avoided things that made me happy because I thought that by looking or thinking about things that I liked I would just suffer to know that I couldn't have it. So I tried to avoid pain, by thinking that I did not deserve anything, by not expecting to get anything. Aiming low so that I couldn't get disappointed. But no matter how hard I tried it seemed like everything was bad and nothing could go my way. I went deep into depression for a while but I bounced back after falling in the deepest of wells. And I survived. Then a friend of mine gave me this book about the Law of Attraction and how it is possible to attract good things to you by having happy thoughts and having happy emotions tied to those thoughts. I realized that I had made a big mistake in life by thinking that I should avoid pain by not looking at the things that I loved. I stopped having desires, I never got clarity, focus. I never placed a goal in my life except the one to live a long life. Now I know that I must re-gain clarity, that I must remember the things that made me happy when I was a child and bring back that passion for life once more. Embrace the true gifts that I was born with, and share them with the world.

Have you ever felt like you have lost your way? What have you done to gain it all back?

What you wish you knew at 13?

 I am reviving this post I wrote a while back, because I believe that it has important information that I would like to share especially since now I am getting more views.


The other day as I put my nine year old daughter to sleep and I listened to her talk about tween dilemas I realized as I saw tears trickle down her face that children are just learning about the world. They are at the very beginning of life, when the worst worries are about fitting in, and homework. A time when you cry over a mean comment or get frustrated when homework is too boring. They do not worry about bills to pay or their safety, or about eating healthy or being able to keep a job. They don't have to worry about retirement or elderly parents or any of the worries that we grownups have. And it hit me. What if we could prepare our children to be well adjusted adults by letting them in on well kept secrets only grown-ups know.
That's why I created this website.
Children need to be able to grow with healthy self esteems, know to make decisions that will help them to make better choices.
As I look back upon my life I wonder about the things I wish my mom would have told me about life that I never got to find out until I was all grown. I also see myself constantly searching for my true identity at 35 when I should have found out at least 20 years ago. This constant search for answers, a steady flow of doubt and insecurities that has troubled me for years. What if I had known then what I know now? Would my life be different? What if I had started writing 20 years ago, would my career be better? And although its true that there are many things we will only learn the hard way, there are others that should be learned early on so as to make the most out of your experiences.
Of the things I wish I had known at 13 I have included a few.
* Pay attention to the things you love. There's always a way to make a living doing what you love.
* Date people and learn what qualities you like in a partner and which ones you don't.
* You dont need a college degree to be an artist. Take courses on each technique youd like to learn and practice practice practice.
* It is ok to make mistakes, and to do things you want even though they may not be approved by others.
* If something peaks your interest, research it & explore it.
* Once you have children your life will never be the same.
* Take time to learn about your family history & culture. Know your grandparents.
* Stay true to yourself, & if you dont know what that is. Make it your purpose to find out.
* Give your time to a cause you believe in. Every effort makes a huge difference.
* Find happiness in everyday things.
* Be grateful.
* Dont be afraid to be silly.
* Be a mentor and/or follow one.
* Cultivate your spirit.
* Be kind.
* Be strong.
* Have faith always.
* Don't be afraid to try and change the world.

Dove has been working on helping girls increase their self esteem and they have in their website a part where you can say to others What do you wish you knew when you where 13.

I believe the problem is not finding things to teach our children, but finding a way to teach them so that they will be receptive to the lesson. Because there are things that cannot be told. They have to be experienced in order for them to be learned.

What things you know now that you wish you had learned as a child? And what ideas you have on techniques to teach these ideas? I want to hear from you.

Loving Unconditionally and Not Caring

Today I was reading the July 2011 issue of Oprah Magazine when I came across an article that caught my eye. How to Love More by Caring Less by Martha Beck There was a sentence that shocked me, and it made me feel that the author was being a bit harsh when she said: "Well, Loretta, I just love you. I don't care what happens to you." My first impression was that the part of not caring what happens to her was meant as I-don't-care-if-you-stay-with-your-abusive-husband-and-he-kills-you, kind of thing, but as I read on I was able to understand that what the author means by "not caring" is, "I don't care what you do with your life, I will still love you no matter what." and I got it. Many of us make the mistakes of caring too much, like caring too much about what another person does, or doesn't do. If you find yourself thinking, if so and so could only do this or change in this or that way I would ________________________, then you are not loving unconditionally. I think we all make this mistake in our lives, and I have come to realize that it's better to live and let live, love and let love. AS Martha says "Loving without caring might mean staying calm when your sister gets divorced, or your dad starts smoking again, or your husband gets laid off." To me is not trying to control the outcome of the other person's life, is accepting them with their flaws and all, accepting that they make the choices they make because they can, it's being supportive when your husband wants to buy a motorcycle, even if you are concerned about it. It's knowing that the only person you have control over is yourself. It is accepting the fact that we can all reach a given emotional state even if a loved one does not conform to our wishes. It is thinking that it is possible to stay peaceful and able to embrace joyous occasions even if all our loved ones where to remain toxicaly insane.
We need to shift our focus from controlling our loved one's behavior to creating our own happiness.
I recommend  everyone to read the full article. I believe that for the past few months I have been gradually making this my new reality, I am accepting of my loved ones without caring what they do. Because I accept that they are different than me, that they have their own sets of wishes and desires, and it is not my job to control them or try to make them see life my way. I just have to love them just the way they are.

The Thing about Resentment

Resentment is a very dangerous thing, it's like a poison that invades your blood and it spreads throughout your body. It can't be ignored, as it stays dormant in your body waiting for the right moment to come back and make you sick.
So what causes resentment? To me, resentment is caused by allowing someone to do something bad to you and not saying anything about it. It's created by swallowing anger, and accepting mistreatment. Sometimes the person that has harmed you did not know or realize that they had harmed you, they may have really never meant to do you harm. Maybe they did. But if you don't say anything, if you don't tell them how you feel, your resentment will continue to grow.
This applies to most people, yet the way to get rid of resentment with your spouse is completely different and that's a whole 'nother story. But if the person you are carrying resentment towards is a friend or co-worker or boss, then I suggest you make your case be heard if you would like to be able to get rid of the churning in your stomach and the negative thoughts that come with it.

At this moment in time I am carrying resentment with my boss. I am hesitant to tell the whole story as you know how Heather Armstrong got fired  for saying bad things about her job.
But the thing that bothers me the most is that my boss complains to my husband behind my back that he doesn't like the fact that I am working only part time now and he doesn't like the girl I got to help me. Well he fails to see that he was the one who made the choice or allowed his father to make the choice of hiring an incompetent to be in the office that is right next to my house and behind my daughter's school even though I specifically asked him to let me work in that office since it would allow me to work full time and still be able to pick up my daughters from school. But NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! I have to work in the office that's an hour away simply because it's close to my boss' house and it's more convenient for him. And he's rarely there anyway. He moves around 3 general areas, there is no reason for him to keep me in the other office. Some days I just feel like telling him to F' off and quit. But I want to go about this in a different way. I want to take a course in marketing that's $5000 and after I pay it off then I can move on.

Resentment is not only created by what other people do to you. It is created by our own actions, by allowing ourselves to be treated in a way that is not acceptable to us. It is something of an alarm that tells us that we need to take action and look at our situation and make a change.
Do you ever feel resentful towards someone? What do you do about it?

Dealing With Clutter Part 2 - Not Giving Up

Last week I talked about how my lack of Security led me to accumulate clutter. Trying to hold on to things that only gave me a false sense of security, and realizing that I had given up on having nice things because I didn't feel worthy. I must say that there are days when you see the mountain of stuff and can't imagine how you are ever going to do it. But you must not give up.
Today I went into my daughter's room and cleared out a large garbage back the 30 gal black one. I threw away a lot of stuff and organized others into the closet. I saw so many other things that need to be dealt with. Things that should get donated, others shredded, or thrown. I didn't want to overwhelm myself so I took care of the things I could in the 2 hours I gave myself to do this project.
Continuing to clear out things and seeing improvements keeps me all excited to continue on my task one day at a time.

How do you deal with clutter in your home? Do you get help or do it by yourself?
I want to hear what you have to say.

Looking for Beautiful Things

Today I did something I have never done before. I sat on the couch with a copy of InStyle magazine. A magazine that those who know me personally would never catch me reading, EVER. But here I am, with a full year free subscription to this style mag courtesy of my boss' wife without her knowledge. You see, my boss told me to pay for his wife's subscriptions to House Beautiful and InStyle Magazine. He gave me the renewal form and told me to make a check and mail it out, just like I do with all his bills. I noticed that both magazines had a "Holiday Special. Renew Today and get two subscriptions for the price of one. One for you and one for a friend. Just fill out your friend's information and we will send them a gift subscription at no extra cost to you." Perfect. I second guessed myself for a few seconds and proceeded to give myself a free gift on her behalf.

I Love Magazines. I have tons of magazines in my home. Waiting to be read or weeded out. I subscribe to Oprah, and Parents and Family Circle, Latina, Us Weekly, etc. and most of them I got for free. I only pay for Oprah magazine as she is an inspiration and role model for me. But InStyle magazine is not one to catch my attention normally. I am not into fashion and mostly wear jeans, black sneakers or boots, and a plain shirt that I buy in every color of the rainbow so as to give the impression that I wear something different every day, even though is the same exact thing just in a different color. So why InStyle? First of all it was free and second of all I remembered the words of my boss saying "My wife is into fashion, she is always wearing whatever is in Style" and a vision of his wife came into my head and how beautiful she is and how it would be nice if I looked as beautiful and fashionable as her.

Today I opened my mailbox and saw my first issue of InStyle magazine, and this magazine is HUGE. It's 500 pages of mostly pictures. As I stared at the cover and felt the weight in my arms I remembered something I read in a book about how surrounding yourself with beautiful things attracts beautiful things to you. So I carried the mag home sat in the couch and went on a scavenger hunt for beautiful things. I remembered the pile of about 100 magazines I have hidden under a table and how I have vowed to weed through them only tearing out the articles I'm interested in and recycling the rest, and thought that if only I weeded out the magazine as soon as I looked at it the first time, I would have no need to go back and check it a second time saving me the hassle. So I did, I tore out through the magazine pulling out only the pictures of things that I thought were beautiful so I can make my own beautiful things book and attract all things beautiful to myself back.

Are there any quirky things you do to make yourself feel more pretty?

Finding Your Own Worth

As I walked to my daughters school another mother approached me and said, "Say hi to your mom for me" I smiled and nodded when suddenly I realized that even though I've seen this woman often, I have never spoken to her or know her name.
My mom lived with us for 2 years, and she made friends with everyone. She loves to talk and make friends and even the mailman sends his regards to her. I am more of a keep-to-myself kind of gal, yet I can appreciate my moms quality and know that thanks to her I have been able to make quite some awesome friends. But there's a part of me that goes back to my teenage years of hearing people refer to me as Grace's grandaughter, Chalin's grandaughter, Linda's daughter, Karla's cousin... and comparing it to Gaby's mom, and Elsie's mom, and Jesus's wife, and Joseph's assistant... it makes sense I would struggle with identity all these years. But I do appreciate the contact's these extensions of myself have brought me.
I can admit that I tend to be quiet and keep to myself, but I also can claim April to be my friend, one that I found all by myself. As is Ingrid, and Yanira, and Bibi. So, I acknowledge that I too have merit, that I too am wonderful and capable of making my own friends. I too have worth, and I wouldn't change a thing.

Allowing Yourself To Dream

Growing up, me and my mom would move a lot. Practically every 2 years. I remember the horrible feeling I got when I would look at a new apartment that I loved and not be able to move in it. The disappointment of getting used to a place and not being able to stay there for long.

After a while I started detaching myself from the process. An apartment became just one apartment more, and I told my mom that I did not need to see a place before we moved in, she could choose it herself and I would be OK with that. I did not want to see another wonderful apartment that we couldn't take, it became too painful.  With that detachment came a long list of other detachments. My mom worked really hard to raise me by herself, and she had to make a lot of sacrifices in order to give me the best things she could afford. She tried her best, and early on I learned  not to ask for much because I didn't want to make my mom feel bad that she couldn't give me everything I wanted. So I learned not to want anything.  I stopped looking at beautiful things, I began to hate flowers, because they died. I never had plants, or dresses, or high heels, or Barbies, or even skirts. My mom would try to force me into these things and I would stubbornly say I hated them. I didn't want make-up or perfumes, I didn't like to go shopping for clothes as nothing ever looked good on me, never got my nails done, or my hair done. I would quit every class I would take, dance class, piano class, art class, writing class. Even though I LOVED those things, there was a little voice inside of me that would tell me I wasn't good enough, and that I shouldn't make my mom waste her money on things that would be wasted on me.

As time passed by I allowed my dreams to fade. There was no point in dreaming about things I could not have or things I thought I didn't deserve. But it wasn't until recently that I read the book The Secret: The Power that I realized that we attract things to us by having good and positive thoughts and feelings towards the things we desire.  That's when I realized that I had been stuck in a rut because I had closed my eyes to everything that is good. I had stopped myself from dreaming, from desiring, from wanting anything at all. So I decided to make a change and allow myself to dream and my life has changed dramatically for the better.

I started looking at magazines with expensive clothes in it. I look at expensive make-up at the store. I go to the hair salon and get my eyebrows done. I allowed my husband to buy me not one, but two winter coats that cost more than $30 ea. I allowed myself to ask for an expensive camera for Christmas. I carry more than $20 in my wallet. It might seem trivial to some, but to me this has been a great breakthrough. I am allowing myself to see ME as a valuable person. I see myself now as someone who deserves nice things. I see myself as someone who can do good things. That's why I have finally started this blog, after more than 6 years with the desire to do something like this. This is just the beginning. I'm finally allowing myself to dream.

So I encourage you to do the same. Dreams do come true. Allow yourself to dream too.