The Thing about Resentment

Resentment is a very dangerous thing, it's like a poison that invades your blood and it spreads throughout your body. It can't be ignored, as it stays dormant in your body waiting for the right moment to come back and make you sick.
So what causes resentment? To me, resentment is caused by allowing someone to do something bad to you and not saying anything about it. It's created by swallowing anger, and accepting mistreatment. Sometimes the person that has harmed you did not know or realize that they had harmed you, they may have really never meant to do you harm. Maybe they did. But if you don't say anything, if you don't tell them how you feel, your resentment will continue to grow.
This applies to most people, yet the way to get rid of resentment with your spouse is completely different and that's a whole 'nother story. But if the person you are carrying resentment towards is a friend or co-worker or boss, then I suggest you make your case be heard if you would like to be able to get rid of the churning in your stomach and the negative thoughts that come with it.

At this moment in time I am carrying resentment with my boss. I am hesitant to tell the whole story as you know how Heather Armstrong got fired  for saying bad things about her job.
But the thing that bothers me the most is that my boss complains to my husband behind my back that he doesn't like the fact that I am working only part time now and he doesn't like the girl I got to help me. Well he fails to see that he was the one who made the choice or allowed his father to make the choice of hiring an incompetent to be in the office that is right next to my house and behind my daughter's school even though I specifically asked him to let me work in that office since it would allow me to work full time and still be able to pick up my daughters from school. But NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! I have to work in the office that's an hour away simply because it's close to my boss' house and it's more convenient for him. And he's rarely there anyway. He moves around 3 general areas, there is no reason for him to keep me in the other office. Some days I just feel like telling him to F' off and quit. But I want to go about this in a different way. I want to take a course in marketing that's $5000 and after I pay it off then I can move on.

Resentment is not only created by what other people do to you. It is created by our own actions, by allowing ourselves to be treated in a way that is not acceptable to us. It is something of an alarm that tells us that we need to take action and look at our situation and make a change.
Do you ever feel resentful towards someone? What do you do about it?

Finding Your Own Worth

As I walked to my daughters school another mother approached me and said, "Say hi to your mom for me" I smiled and nodded when suddenly I realized that even though I've seen this woman often, I have never spoken to her or know her name.
My mom lived with us for 2 years, and she made friends with everyone. She loves to talk and make friends and even the mailman sends his regards to her. I am more of a keep-to-myself kind of gal, yet I can appreciate my moms quality and know that thanks to her I have been able to make quite some awesome friends. But there's a part of me that goes back to my teenage years of hearing people refer to me as Grace's grandaughter, Chalin's grandaughter, Linda's daughter, Karla's cousin... and comparing it to Gaby's mom, and Elsie's mom, and Jesus's wife, and Joseph's assistant... it makes sense I would struggle with identity all these years. But I do appreciate the contact's these extensions of myself have brought me.
I can admit that I tend to be quiet and keep to myself, but I also can claim April to be my friend, one that I found all by myself. As is Ingrid, and Yanira, and Bibi. So, I acknowledge that I too have merit, that I too am wonderful and capable of making my own friends. I too have worth, and I wouldn't change a thing.

Allowing Yourself To Dream

Growing up, me and my mom would move a lot. Practically every 2 years. I remember the horrible feeling I got when I would look at a new apartment that I loved and not be able to move in it. The disappointment of getting used to a place and not being able to stay there for long.

After a while I started detaching myself from the process. An apartment became just one apartment more, and I told my mom that I did not need to see a place before we moved in, she could choose it herself and I would be OK with that. I did not want to see another wonderful apartment that we couldn't take, it became too painful.  With that detachment came a long list of other detachments. My mom worked really hard to raise me by herself, and she had to make a lot of sacrifices in order to give me the best things she could afford. She tried her best, and early on I learned  not to ask for much because I didn't want to make my mom feel bad that she couldn't give me everything I wanted. So I learned not to want anything.  I stopped looking at beautiful things, I began to hate flowers, because they died. I never had plants, or dresses, or high heels, or Barbies, or even skirts. My mom would try to force me into these things and I would stubbornly say I hated them. I didn't want make-up or perfumes, I didn't like to go shopping for clothes as nothing ever looked good on me, never got my nails done, or my hair done. I would quit every class I would take, dance class, piano class, art class, writing class. Even though I LOVED those things, there was a little voice inside of me that would tell me I wasn't good enough, and that I shouldn't make my mom waste her money on things that would be wasted on me.

As time passed by I allowed my dreams to fade. There was no point in dreaming about things I could not have or things I thought I didn't deserve. But it wasn't until recently that I read the book The Secret: The Power that I realized that we attract things to us by having good and positive thoughts and feelings towards the things we desire.  That's when I realized that I had been stuck in a rut because I had closed my eyes to everything that is good. I had stopped myself from dreaming, from desiring, from wanting anything at all. So I decided to make a change and allow myself to dream and my life has changed dramatically for the better.

I started looking at magazines with expensive clothes in it. I look at expensive make-up at the store. I go to the hair salon and get my eyebrows done. I allowed my husband to buy me not one, but two winter coats that cost more than $30 ea. I allowed myself to ask for an expensive camera for Christmas. I carry more than $20 in my wallet. It might seem trivial to some, but to me this has been a great breakthrough. I am allowing myself to see ME as a valuable person. I see myself now as someone who deserves nice things. I see myself as someone who can do good things. That's why I have finally started this blog, after more than 6 years with the desire to do something like this. This is just the beginning. I'm finally allowing myself to dream.

So I encourage you to do the same. Dreams do come true. Allow yourself to dream too.