Let it Go!

I have been meaning to write about the movie Frozen for a few weeks now, but I procrastinated too long.  I feel like I have been postponing it because this is such a significant topic for me. It may sound silly but this movie has impacted me a lot for many reasons.  It is very hard to explain but I will try, and I will let you know in all the ways that this movie makes me think about my life, and why it makes me want to cry.

Lets take this video for instance, with the song: Do you want to Build a Snowman:

This song is very cute and tender and my youngest daughter fell in love with this song and would sing it over and over. This actually touched my soul a lot, because it makes me think of several things. Me growing up as an only child, sometimes having a lot of time for myself. I could specifically relate to the part of the song where it says:

I think some company is overdue
I've started talking to
The pictures on the walls
(Hang in there, Joan! )
It gets a little lonely,
All these empty rooms,
Just watching the hours tick by
(Tick-tock tick-tock tick-tock tick-tock) 

But at the same time, it made me sad to think of my own daughters, how being 5 years apart from each other made them close but far apart at the same time. Things that made me sad a little bit because I know how hard it is not to really be able to play with your sibling as much as you would want, me because I didn't really have one, and my daughters for being in so different stages of life for now.

As the movie progresses I find myself relating more and more with it. The next song that makes me tear up is "For the First Time in Forever" especially if you go to 2:17 because that's where Elsa starts singing which is the character I relate to the most:

Elsa: Don't let them in, don't let them see
Be the good girl you always have to be
Conceal, don't feel, put on a show
Make one wrong move and everyone will know

Elsa: But it's only for today
Anna: It's only for today

Elsa: It's agony to wait
Anna: It's agony to wait

Elsa: Tell the guards to open up the gate
Anna: The gate

Anna For the first time in forever
Elsa: Don't let them in, don't let them see

Anna: I'm getting what I'm dreaming of
Elsa: Be the good girl you always have to be

Anna: A chance to change my lonely world
Elsa: Conceal

Anna: A chance to find true love
Elsa: Conceal, don't feel, don't let them know

Anna: I know it all ends tomorrow,
So it has to be today
'Cause for the first time in forever
For the first time in forever
Nothing's in my way!

This song is very powerful, you see Anna very happy to finally live and experience new things, and then Elsa is repeating to herself to Conceal, Don't Feel....Be the Good Girl you always have to be...

That part makes me tear up because it is totally me. I feel like that inside, like I have done that my whole life. Conceal, Don't Feel!! Be the Good Girl I always have to be.... and I used to have this part of me like Anna, all happy to experience life, but the Elsa in me took over sooo much that Anna has a hard time coming out!

It may seem hard to explain why, and it is based on a multitude of life experiences that I had that I felt the need to conceal my real emotions, feeling like I couldn't be myself, that I would not be accepted if people only knew. But at the same time there's this voice that tells me that it's OK to be myself. That my friends accept me that way, my daughters accept me that way... my aunt, my cousin. They both accept me that way... my brother... but then who is left?  My mom, my dad, my grandmother... it is very hard to say this. Because I LOVE them so much!! But I don't feel like I can be completely honest and be accepted by them.  Because we are so different, we have a belief system that is so different, and I can't disappoint them. So I conceal  and don't feel. The same it was with my ex husband, I could not be accepted just the way I was. He did not love the real me, and he did not love the fake me that was born as I tried to please everyone. No one does. But now I'm free from that, from him and I am free in my house.

So as I write this, with shaky hands I wonder how sad they will be when they read this. To know that I don't feel like I can be myself around them. And I know that they love me with all their hearts and that they think they love me unconditionally, and they think they would accept me, but I feel they don't. They don't because of the way they try to make me see the way they see. How many times I hear, do this, do that, don't do this, don't talk to this person, talk to this other person, he's no good for you, everyone is a pedophile, do your hair this way, dress this way, act this way, feel this way, eat this way, you have to loose weight, exercise more, that clothes makes you look old, like a whore, like a bum. This is wrong, clean the house more, feed the animals of the world, poor her, donate here, donate there, help this person, help this other person, it doesn't matter that you are overworked you still need to help me and work for me, and help me make my dreams come true, because it's your fault that I have not done anything, you don't help me, no one helps me, work less, but buy this, decorate this other way, it doesn't matter if you like it or not, because this is the way it Should be, this is the right way. I can't believe I have to tell you this!

This paragraph I just wrote is the most intense, scary, crazy thing I have ever written, because it has a whirlwind of things that I hear in my mind every day.

So going back to how the movie resembles my life, I would say that I cry the most on this part:  "Let it go"

 This song, every single word of this song is as it's written for me:

"Let It Go"

The snow glows white on the mountain tonight
Not a footprint to be seen
A kingdom of isolation,
And it looks like I’m the Queen.

The wind is howling like this swirling storm inside
Couldn’t keep it in, heaven knows I tried

Don’t let them in, don’t let them see
Be the good girl you always have to be
Conceal, don’t feel, don’t let them know
Well, now they know

Let it go, let it go
Can’t hold it back anymore
Let it go, let it go
Turn away and slam the door

I don’t care
What they’re going to say
Let the storm rage on,
The cold never bothered me anyway

It’s funny how some distance
Makes everything seem small
And the fears that once controlled me
Can’t get to me at all

It’s time to see what I can do
To test the limits and break through
No right, no wrong, no rules for me
I’m free

Let it go, let it go
I am one with the wind and sky
Let it go, let it go
You’ll never see me cry

Here I stand
And here I'll stay
Let the storm rage on

My power flurries through the air into the ground
My soul is spiraling in frozen fractals all around
And one thought crystallizes like an icy blast
I’m never going back,
The past is in the past

Let it go, let it go
When I'll rise like the break of dawn
Let it go, let it go
That perfect girl is gone

Here I stand
In the light of day
Let the storm rage on,
The cold never bothered me anyway

I cry in this video because I fell like I am Elsa, and she was able to be free in this part. She runs away and lets it all go. She doesn't care! She is finally able to search for her potential, to see what she was capable of doing, and she does some amazing things, and I cry because I crave that, the day I can finally come out of this mental closet, not as a homosexual but as a repressed person that has been afraid to truly live, trying to be the proper way according to other people's thoughts.

I made in Bold the words that struck the most! And I feel like part of me has felt this way when my (ex)husband left. I was finally free from trying to be someone else every day.

And the final scene that I feel its also expresses what I feel as I fight with this concealed emotions and thoughts is this:

Anna:
You don't have to protect me I'm not afraid
Please don't shut me out again,
Please don't slam the door
You don't have to keep your distance anymore

Cause for the first time in forever,
I finally understand
For the first time in forever,
We can fix this hand in hand

We can head down this mountain together
You don't have to live in fear
Cause for the first time in forever,
I will be right here

Elsa:
Anna...
Please go back home, your life awaits
Go enjoy the sun and open up the gates

Anna:
Yeah, but -

Elsa:
I know...
You mean well, but leave me be
Yes, I'm alone, but I'm alone and free
Just stay away and you'll be safe from me

Anna:
Actually we're not!

Elsa:
What do you mean you're not?

Anna:
I get the feeling you don't know!

Elsa:
What do I not know?

Anna:
Arendelle's in deep, deep, deep, deep snow.

Elsa:
What?!

Anna:
You've kind of set off an eternal winter... everywhere.

Elsa:
Everywhere?

Anna:
It's okay, you can just unfreeze it.

Elsa:
No, I can't, I - I don't know how!

Anna:
Sure you can! I know you can!

Anna: `
Cause for the first time in forever,
Elsa:
Oh I'm such a fool, I can't be free!

Anna:
You don't have to be afraid
Elsa:
No escape from the storm inside of me!

Anna:
We can work this out together
Elsa:
I can't control the curse!

Anna:
We'll reverse the storm you've made
Elsa:
Anna, please, you'll only make it worse!

Anna:
Don't panic
Elsa:
There's so much fear!

Anna:
We'll make the sun shine bright
Elsa:
You're not safe here!

Anna:
We can face this thing together
Elsa: No!

Anna:
We can change this winter weather
Elsa: AHHHHH...

Anna:
And everything will be all right...
Elsa: I CAN'T!

 

The letters I put in bold is what impacts me a lot from this song. It expresses how Elsa has run away to be Free from her curse, but no matter how far she is, she realizes that this impacts her loved ones. She says that There's no escape from the storm inside, that there's no controlling the curse, There's so much fear, you're not safe here, I cant!

That's exactly how I feel. I have moved to New York to be far away from my family, and I'm alone, but I'm alone and Free!! But still, being away hurts them, so I feel like there's no escape from the storm inside of me, I have so much fear, and I feel I can't.

Why I can't because I can't change myself from who I really am, and I can't change the belief system of my family. I can't be who they want me to be, and I don't want to. But also I love them and I wish there was a way to be with them and feel like I can be myself, and be accepted, without thinking that they will be judging me behind my back, or feeling sorry for me, or trying to mold my life to their liking, or plotting to fix me.

I CAN'T!

 

Because I'm messy, and a workaholic, and I go to sleep at 4 am and wake up at 7 am every day, because my friends are a lot younger than me, because I like to drink alcohol, and sing, and dance, and I don't sweep the floor every day, nor cook, and I hate food, and I feel like I'm 28, and I enjoy talking to my daughters as if they were my friends, and I share with them every thing, and I can be obsessive, and sometimes compulsive, and I like to help people, even if it means that a lot of them take advantage of me, and I allow my daughters to go outside without hats, and with messy hair, and I'm not too strict, and I try to please them as much as I can, but I work too late sometimes and I travel once a month and I am just me.  I know I am a good person, with a good heart, I take care of my daughters by myself, I have my house, I pay my bills, I work hard and do it all alone, my daughters are in piano class, and dance class, and choir practice, and we go to church, and we read Bible stories at night, and they have good grades and even though they go to sleep late sometimes, some others they skip a shower, or eat only yogurt and cereal, cheese and eggs, in a day, or be late to school. It's true I'm not perfect and I don't pretend to be, I just expect my family to see that it is OK to not be perfect, to understand that I want to be allowed to be given the chance to be who I want to be, and have the friends I want to have, and raise my daughters the way I want to raise them, and if I make mistakes I want to learn from them. Have faith in me, know that I know what is best for my family, and I will do my best. I can't save everyone, I have to concentrate on my girls and myself. I am me, and I want to be allowed to be me.

Have you ever felt something like this? Can you relate?  

If not, did you like the movie Frozen? What did you think of it?

'

Holidays and Happiness

The Holidays have passed and all you can see on Facebook are all the pictures of all your friends in their holiday parties. Parties of them dressed up, spending time with their families and friends, all happy, many blessings, all cheerful.

And even though my Holiday Parties were good, with my best friend and my cousin, I can't help but feel a tiny bit jealous of those people on Facebook. I see them in large crowds, all the family together, joking, drinking, smiling, having fun. And I wish I was there. At the same time I wonder what makes those people happy? Is it genuine happiness? Are they pretending and wishing the day was over?

I love Karaoke, and karaoke parties. I don't go to them often enough. But I see friends of mine enjoying that in their pictures.

What is happiness? This year I guess I have been on a roll, and I am writing more often now, and I want to explore through my writing my emotions. Because sometimes I look at my life as if I was outside of it looking in and wondering. What do I want?

I have friends, my daughters, my Church family, extended family even though they are far. But there's a part of me that still feels alone.  Today was a nice day, I stayed home with my girls, we cuddled, watched TV and ate some fun foods. We stayed in and stayed warm. But now, it's 10pm and the house is a mess and I didn't do laundry and the dishes are piled high. Not fun at all.

The week starts tomorrow, and there's school, and work and piano class and freezing rain. Tomorrow we are back to the routine of waking up at 6:30am and it makes me want to cry.

Am I silly? I write this to see if there's anyone else out there that can relate?
Do you ever see happy people and wonder how did they get there? Do you ever wonder if you are doing good by staying home and doing nothing all day just cuddling with your daughters watching TV. Will I leave the house a complete mess until Saturday? Who knows?!

I guess that in part, cuddling with my daughters in the couch with the cats all day watching TV seems like happiness, especially after hearing from them that they will want to live with me forever, and won't move out of the house until they are married and even then they will only move next door to me. That made me feel nice, because I tend to think that they will be moving away soon and I will be left alone without knowing what to do with myself. I'm glad to know that my daughters don't want to ever live alone, and they are just like me. So I'm set. I guess I'll never be alone, even when I'm really old at least I'll have the comfort of my daughters and hopefully they will have large families of their own.

I always wanted a large family, and I tend to fall in love with large families. I wonder if I'll ever have more kids, or if I'll just adopt or foster some kids at some point. I don't know. I feel nostalgia, and at the same time I know I'm good. I know that God is with me and that he has given me moments of happiness and he will continue to show me what that feels like.

It seems amazing but God has been with me more than usual in the past few weeks. He allowed me to experience the most amazing week of my life, and experience things I had never experienced before, so amazing that I look back at it as if it was a dream and wonder if it really did happen. And after that he blessed me and my daughters by giving us the ONLY flight that was not cancelled on Jan 2nd traveling from Orlando FL to NYC on a Snow Storm. And then after we got home there was street parking right in front of my house. If that's not God, then I don't know what is!

God is amazing and he is protecting me, and taking care of me, and inspiring me. I don't know what will happen at the end, but I'm sure that God's got my back and whatever he chooses for me it will be something amazing.

What do you think? Do you ever feel like this?

Fleeting Moments

What would you do if you had just one moment to live? Would you try to make the most of it or would you succumb to the despair of the truth?

There are things in life that are just Fleeting Moments, just like the image above, where you can see just a left over of the bus and cars that passed by, and even though that moment has come and gone, the camera was able to capture but just a tiny bit of what it was and with it capture the beauty of the moment.

What if you never knew happiness and you were left with the option to have a fleeting moment of happiness with no promise to ever feel it again. What would you do with the rest of your life, knowing that that amazing moment may never come back. How would you ensure to extend the joy you felt? How do you make the most of it? Would you cry on your knees as you thank God for that moment? Would you cry with a grateful heart, yet cry and cry and cry? What if it was something even harder to deal with? What if you always wanted a child and they tell you you will have one, but he will die within a year. What would you do? Would you even choose to have it? What if he never dies? What if he does? What if the chances of him living are 10%? 5%? 1%?  But 1% is still a chance!!!!

How do you see the future?

All my life I have struggled with not knowing what the future holds, and at the same time not wanting to know the future if it's not going to be what I want. Yet since I came into Christ I have had something a bit different happen.  I have this Blind Faith in God. He knows what's best for me. So, that means that if something good happens to me now is because I deserve it. God loves us, and he would never want anything bad to happen to us. So when my thoughts start going south and down a spiral of negativeness then I have to stop myself and say: God wants what's best for me. I will be happy with what God gives me.

So why am I sad? I am sad because I am here January 1st completely alone in my house, and I sulk!!

What if I look back at my life and notice that every single thing that has happened in my life has been a result of other things that have happened. I can trace back things that have happened to me that without them today would not be true. God is supposed to be in charge, if we let him. And I let him.


There are many things that go through my head that I don't feel in the liberty to share here, like my questions on why God gives us what he gives us. My conflict stems from seeing some things and hearing other things that are in direct opposition of what you are hearing, but this time it's the opposite of what people are used to seeing.  There's the saying that says: Actions speak louder than words! and it's usually used when a person says things (I love you, trust in me, etc etc) yet acts in direct opposition to those words. But what if it was the opposite? What if a person says they can never love you, yet they treat you as if they did? Does that make sense??? Who do you listen to? The words or the actions? We tend to listen to the negative in either situation, but it makes no sense...But it doesn't matter. We can't tell what is real and what is not real.

But whatever the reason, I don't have to be sad. Tomorrow my girls come back and I won't be alone anymore. We will be able to cuddle together in the couch and do things together!


Wish me safe travels getting my girls back.

Do you ever struggle with crazy negative feelings when you are alone? Do you ever wonder what your life brings? How do you deal with it?

New Year, New Life, New Perspective in Life

So today is the last day of the year 2013, my favorite year. Why is it my favorite year? First of all my favorite number is 13!! Second of all, I believe this year has brought many beautiful things in my life along with some not so beautiful, like my divorce, but with every thing that happens, good or bad there is always something that we learn and that we get out of every experience.

This was the year that my first born turned 13 and I am glad to have been able to give her a birthday party even though she wasn't going to be with me on her actual birthday. Just like my babies will not be with me as the year comes to an end and a new one begins, but come January 2nd my babies will be back with me once more.

I want to take the time to Thank God for everything he has given me this year.

Thank you God for:

My beautiful daughters, they are my life and without them I would be lost. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to have them with me and be healthy and happy and help me raise them good, with good values and love for you God.

Thank you for providing me with a nice home, big enough for us and that we have nice things.

Thank you for my job God, for my co-workers, and my boss. Thank you for letting me know that at my job I have a second family and because it provides me with challenges and enough money to sustain myself and my daughters.

Thanks God for my family, because I have my grandparents still alive and they are still strong at 91. Thank you for my mom, and my aunt and my cousins and my brother and my sister and my dad and everyone else who can be considered my family, may it be by blood or not, because family are those who you keep in your heart.

God Thanks for my Church, because I have found an amazing Church with an Amazing Pastor, because I can truly say that he is honest and a true man of God. Someone I can look up to for advice and for support and for encouragement and because he's a great role model.

God, thanks for my car, even though I have a love/hate relationship with it, it has helped me to get to and from places and it has facilitated many great moments with my family and friends.

Thanks God for my Best Friends, Tania, Nancy and Vini because they have been there for me in good times and bad times. And this past week when I have been alone without my girls on the holidays they have helped me have a GREAT time. I love you guys!!

Thank you God, for all these things, and for the Sky, and the clouds and for Manta Rays and for Music and Photography and Internet and Life!

God, I am really grateful for what you have given me this year, for every smile, and every tear, for every tiny bit of happiness and every great and amazing moment when you have allowed me to feel loved even if just for a moment.

Thank you Lord, for with you all things are possible!!!

May the new year bring many blessings to all and may you be able to Thank God yourself for all the blessings he will give you.

What are you grateful for coming the new Year?

Being Thankful and Other Things

 

This is the Season, the Holidays are right around the corner and we just finished celebrating Thanksgiving, and with that I think that comes a time of Reflection on what are we Thankful for.

Today at Church the Pastor talked about how we should be thankful for God's Grace and do so with out grumbling. He discussed the scripture John 5:1-15 that talks about a man who was at a Healing Pool and he had been ill for 38 years, when asked he started putting blame on others John 5:7 , then Jesus heals him and he walks away, without saying Thanks, and then when the Religious Leaders scold him for carrying a mat on the Sabbath, he has no problem throwing Jesus under the bus by directing to him the "Fault" of why he was carrying the mat  John 5:9-11. Basically he grumbled. He was not grateful and he redirected blame on others for whatever happened to him.

What am I trying to get at here? We Should Not Grumble. I have a really good friend who woke up today grumbling, he had stuffy nose, tooth ache, he had to go to work, he complained about this, and that. When I showed him a picture of the amazingly beautiful sky he got upset because he hasn't been able to take a picture with that kind of sky as a background. He was grumbling. I tried to change his mood, or at least get him distracted from his grumpiness and told him to think about how amazing his pictures will be when he does take those pictures with that kind of sky as a background. Then I changed the subject, and I think it worked because he did not grumble any more after that. :)

The curious thing is that I experienced this with him in the morning before Church and then at Church I hear this message that helped me notice this and  then I started thinking that I don't grumble. I'm grateful every day for everything. I don't complain.  But then I begin to grumble myself.  I grumble when I see happy couples because I am transitioning into divorce and I see these four couples that I know closely that are also recently divorced and they are currently with a new partner, and seem to be extremely happy.  But I'm not. I grumble because I can't understand how can a couple break up and soon after be in an amazing relationship, and why I am not in a wonderful relationship. I grumble when I see these couples posting pictures of themselves on facebook, hugging, smiling, in gatherings. Bleh!!! It makes me want to puke!! But that's just what I say on the outside. Because the truth is that I want that! I want the wonderful relationship just like them.  But at the same time I realize that all these couples seem to be best friends, and I never had that. In all my years of life I have never had a partner who started off being my best friend. Never! Can you believe that? I can't! But I believe that is the KEY! I need to learn to have a best friend first so it can end up in a relationship.I must say that before my husband left, I did not have any best friends since middle school. After he left, I found several amazing people who are my Best Friends! 

We should be grateful, everyday. We should notice when good things are happening to us, and be grateful. Now it's my turn, because I am now grateful that I have been experiencing what true friendship is. Whether it be with a girl or a guy, these friendships that I have developed are helping me learn to deal with other people, to know what a close knit friend is. And they have become my family, my extended family.

I thank God for allowing me to learn from my experiences, so that I can evolve into the person I am supposed to be. Because by being a better person, and a better friend, I will open up the path to a new partner in my life.

What are you Thankful for? In which ways do you sometimes grumble? What steps can you take to stop grumbling and start being grateful?

Does Age Really Matter?

 
Today I'm going to go a little off topic here. I just read an article in Cafe mom called: "Open Letter to the 22-Year-Old Who Wants to Date This Old Lady"  She basically turns down this 22 year old guy who wants to date her because of their large age difference, but at the end of the article she asks her readers if she should even consider dating this guy.

In society I have noticed that it is more acceptable for an older man to date a younger woman, however it seems to be frowned upon if an older female wants to date a younger guy. Why is that so?

I found it very interesting when in the Movie Don Jon Joseph Gordon-Levitt ends up with Julianne Moore who in real life is 21 years older than him.  I must admit that I really liked the ending, how he finds himself in love with this older woman, a love very different than what popular culture considers Love. I found this love story to be fascinating.

I must say that I tend to feel attracted by stories like this. I constantly wonder if there is anyone in this world who has a successful relationship where the woman is much older than the man? I really don't know. 

I must say that growing up I always had a stronger attraction to older men. I've been attracted to men up to 22 years older than me.  But after my husband and I split I found myself attracting older men, and after a while I realized that it was not what I wanted. I started getting creepy guys interested in me, white haired men, with no steady jobs.  Some even too tired to go out. And while I dealt with these issues I found myself falling for a guy 7 years younger than me.  I must say I was shocked, I had never liked younger guys before, but after that experience I realized I much rather date younger guys. So I started praying to God to give me a young guy.  I have met a few younger guys but when the age range is more than 15 years then it starts to worry me.

Common worries about dating a younger guy are:

*Will he fall in love with my daughters?
*Will he cheat on me?
*Will he get tired of me?
*Will he find me attractive?
*Will I ruin his life and destroy his dreams by holding him down at his prime?
*Will his family ever accept me?
*Will my family ever accept him?

Does this all make sense?
I don't know. Sometimes I just wonder why all this matters. If two people love each other and are committed to each other, then age shouldn't matter. But to the society we live in, it does.
I just know that, when time comes, I don't want to choose. I want God to choose for me. Whoever is going to be my partner, and hopefully this time for life, will be chosen by God, no one else.  Because he makes no mistakes.


Some people think that it's OK to just enjoy being single, enjoy life, do whatever you want, it does no harm.  What do you think about this? Do you think it's OK to date outside your age range? Do you think it's OK to just have fun while you can? I want to know what you think.

When all you need is Faith and a Vision.

 Hello everyone, I have been absent for a while due to some partial loss of inspiration, but I expect to come back in full force, and give you things to think about that will hopefully help you in one way or another.

Today I have chosen to talk about Faith and Vision.
I have been hearing a lot lately about the importance of having a clear vision of what you want to achieve in order to achieve it.

Vision and Faith are the Key ingredients for Success in Life, lately I keep hearing this over and over again.

This is something I have struggled with for a long time. I believe this partial lack of Vision is what led me to create this Blog. What I want to achieve here is to make people think, and find within each of you the tools to move forward at those times when you feel Stuck.

What is your Vision? Take a moment now and think about it. What do you want in life? What do you want to be remembered for? What do you want to leave as a legacy to your children and grand children?

Once you figure that out, take a moment and ask yourself, Do you have Faith that you will achieve that Vision? That is all that you really need. A Vision, and Faith that you will get there.

Do you have both? If not, which one of them do you consider you struggle more with?

In my case, I struggle more with the Vision.  If you think about it, it makes more sense to struggle with the Faith rather than the Vision, because How can you possibly have Faith on something you don't know?  But that is what I feel sometimes, I have a very strong Faith in God, I know that I am here in this world with a purpose, and that I will fulfill that purpose, however, my Vision is very vague. Yet recently I've decided to work hard at making that Vision very specific. In fact, I will be doing an exercise to help me out right here, right now.  I don't know if you know this about me, but when I write I don't plan it, I just sit at the computer and type away, whatever comes to mind as my fingers walk through the keyboard keys.  I encourage you to do this exercise with me if you also struggle with having a Vision.

When you think about your purpose in life, what do you think about? What do you feel makes you special? If you don't know, take a few minutes and think about the people close to you, what are you known for by them? If you don't know, then ask them. What makes you who you are? Are you Funny, Helpful, Creative, Tough?

With me I am helpful, and a good friend. I will go above and beyond for the people I care about, and one thing that makes me happy is to be able to help those I care about the most. I am constantly looking for ways to help out my friends in any way I can, and making connections with people, by connecting people who need of each other.

How can you take that quality and apply it to making an impact in the world? I truly believe that the basis of every human being is to be of some significance in this world, even if all you do is impact the life of one person, that one person may be able to impact many more thanks to how you impacted them.

I can take that helpful quality and expand it to strangers, not only to my loved ones. I can extend my helpfulness by donating items, time or money to different causes. I must say I currently do that, I sponsor two girls in Children's International and I donate every year to F.L.A.G a School for girls in the Philippines. I also donate my used Magazines to a local Charity that brings them to the Children's Ward in a Hospital so that Parents have something to read while their children are being treated for serious health problems. I also started a creative business where I provide Graphic Design Services for people and Photography Services, Publishing Services, Event Planning Services, and all of these creative Services are provided by me and my dear friends, it's a collaboration, I want to have extra income and I want to help my friends achieve the same, we work together for a common goal. Ideally I want to be able to make enough money so that I can donate some of the proceeds to different charities that me and my friends feel strongly about, and we all do. If you want to check us out go to MZ Designs on Facebook.

So now, think back on your answers. Do you see anything that gives you an inkling on your vision? I do. My Vision is to have a Collaborative Company with my loved ones, where each of us gives part of who we are to the world, providing creative services that fill a need, that make people happy, that we can grow to a point where we will be able to expand our reach to help in many more ways. Not only with our services but with the things we will be able to do when our resources become abundant. I want to be able to impact millions of people, billions, trillions even. I want to make a difference in this world and do so hand in hand with the people I love who want to join me in this venture.

What do you want to achieve? What is your Vision?

From Fear to Faith

Most of my life was lead by fear. Fear of abandonment, of not being liked, fear of pain, spiders, and fear to almost anything.

A couple of years ago I received as a gift the Book The Secret by Rhonda Byrne. In it talks about the Law of Attraction and how people attract the things they think about, the things they talk about and even the things we complain about. According to this law, fear is one of our worst enemies, because just by allowing ourselves to fear something we give that very thing a very powerful energy and it will attract that same thing we fear to our own lives. Reading this book helped me to pay more attention to what I was thinking, what I was fearing and/or complaining about. That was just the first step in ridding myself from fear.

The second step started happening when I began to go to Church, that is when I started developing Faith. When I came to Church I was in the worst moment of my life, having recently lost my husband to a break up I felt like there was not much to look forward to. I have two wonderful daughters and I needed to be healthy and happy for them. They are my livelyhood. But my depression was getting the best of me so I started to go to Church and I noticed that I started to feel better. People at Church were nice, there is great music and I really feel like the pastor is talking directly to me. I took notes and felt this urge to learn more and more. I barely believed in God and I used to think Christianity was a bunch of nonesense. But there I was, trying to find something.
One day the pastor said that all that we needed was a mustard seed of faith for it to grow. And I thought to myself. I can do that!
As time passed I kept studying the word. Started reading the Bible. I used the Life Application Study Bible to learn as much as I could, and it is something that I do continuously because it is such an interesting book, filled with action, adventure, drama... and a lot of wisdom.
And as time passed in less than a year I was able to develop genuine faith.
What is genuine faith? It is believing so strongly that God is taking care of you and preparing you so that he can use you, so you can be a blessing to others. My fear has completely vanished from my life and I feel better than ever.
I know that anything that comes my way is a lesson, I know that God's timing is Always perfect so whatever I am supposed to get, I will get to and at the best time for it. So there's nothing to worry about.

Talking about Love

It has been a long time since I have written a post. More than a year I think. I have stayed away from the blog since my marriage didn't work. There is so much that I was feeling and I felt that I wasn't in the liberty to share it. I mean, too many people know who I am. I cannot talk about what happened, don't want to air my dirty laundry in the internet. There are some things that are better left unsaid.
I have struggled with my feelings, with my understanding of what life is. And as I go through this journey that may very possibly end in divorce I contemplate on the meaning of Love. What is Love? Is it an emotion? An action? A decision? Energy?
I have always felt that Love was like a decision. You make a commitment to be with a person and you try to work it out, no matter what. But not everyone thinks that way and there is also the issue of how much do you tolerate? How far do you go to make something work without loosing your very lively hood? When is it okay to quit on a relationship?
I guess every person is different. Many people stay together for different reasons which may or may not include LOVE.
But if you define Love as the energy of creation. It is also a conscious choice.
Jesus taught us Christians about a different kind of Love than we are used to. Agape Love, the Unconditional love a person has towards others. A love that you choose to have towards humanity, that gives value to all beings and it triggers a desire to help and be of service to others. I get that. I get that Agape Love towards humanity. But society has placed the value that Love should have in Sex. The media equates love with sex. Everywhere it is plastered all over the medias. But that I just don't get. It may be because I was with only one man in my life and could only understand the concept of sex in the context of an exclusive relationship. But the world tells us that sex is fun, it is something you should do as much as it is humanly possible. You must try with as many people as possible so you can learn and have fun and have something to compare it to. So you can make an educated choice on who the right person should be.
I think that sex should NOT be the determining factor on whether a person is a good partner or not. I believe that when you find that perfect partner and you both feel a connection and make a commitment to each other then the sex is going to be great! It should come from two individuals who are mentally and emotionally connected and compatible and then physically compatible.
I have tried to understand the sex industry but I can't. I am not looking for a partner who will give me awesome sex. I want someone who I can connect with. Who cares about me and my daughters. Who is interested in knowing all about me and is in no rush to learn everything in a day. Someone who is a good role model, hard working man, with goals and aspirations, who enjoys doing acts of service just like me, or that would at least encourage me to continue to follow that path. Someone who is willing to stick by my side. No matter what.
What do you identify with Love? What does LOVE mean to you?

Can you choose who you fall in Love with?

Today I was pondering on what Love is. In the book The Power from Rhonda Byrne, Love is the positive force of Life.

"Everything you want to be, do or have comes from love"

The book speaks of Love as energy, it is what makes us like anything. Every creation is dependent on love, because it is the passion, and love of the inventor that allows him to create. It is everything we want in life.

But what about Romantic Love?

There are many sayings about how we cannot choose who we love. But what if we could?
Lately I have been contemplating on the idea, on the possibility that Romantic Love is something that we ourselves create. We can have total control over it.

Many will say that it is not true. Maybe I have never felt true love. Maybe every person I have loved I have done so because I wanted to Love them. Does this make sense?

If you think of Love as an emotion, and we think that emotions come from our thoughts, and we take into consideration that we have total control of our thoughts, then it would make sense that we are in control of who we choose to fall in love with.

When I look back at my life, and to all I have ever loved, I now can see that there was some choice involved. Sometimes you like a certain quality in someone, and you have a particular want for that, and you make a choice to allow that person into your heart.

In the book  The Secrets of Happily Married Women it is mentioned that in the beginning stages of a romantic relationship there is a chemical reaction in our bodies that makes us feel infatuated to our new partners. And I also read that:

According to scientific research, emotions are generated during the process of meeting and falling in love because of chemical reactions that occur in our bodies. For example, whenever you first meet someone and feel attracted, your brain creates phenyl ethylamine, known as the "love drug." Dopamine and norepinephren are two more chemicals that arise from just thinking loving thoughts about another. Those two help us to feel excited and interested enough to actually touch or kiss someone, and that sets off more chain reactions, beginning with serotonin, which produces feelings of relaxation. Now the door to trust is open.  (excerpt)

But this chemical reaction in our bodies is just temporary. We stay in love because we make a choice to keep our partners and we make a conscious effort to nurture the Love.

But I also believe that the first initial reaction to someone, that first inkling of love, is also voluntary. We have to be open to the idea of love, we have to be looking for something, and we have to be open to become vulnerable to that attraction once we see someone we like. We have hope that the other person will like us back and if they don't then we feel rejected and sad because we feel the loss after we made the choice to open our hearts and be vulnerable to it.

At this moment in time I feel like I am a little bit hardened, I'm more cautious when it comes to allowing other people into my life, but I am still open to the possibility of someday allowing myself to love and be loved.  But I feel weird lately that I am hardened like this, because I see my relationships with people as being significant, but I see them as practical. I make the choice to be friends with whoever is my friend, but being fully aware of their flaws and their good qualities, and I am so cautious as to not allow myself to be vulnerable with anyone at this time. But part of me doesn't like it because there is no sense of that excitement, that feeling of being ecstatic for anything. I enjoy my days, I enjoy my family, my friends, but I am not excited about stuff in general, except maybe the coconut pops from Henson's Canteen at the Loom (LOL)

But I guess this is just a temporary phase and in a not so far away future I will feel safe enough to be vulnerable once again.

What do you think about Love? Do you think it is possible to choose Love? Or do you think it is something that chooses us and we have no control over it?

Please share!

Career Vs Calling

As I continue this journey I must say that some days can be better than others. Yesterday I must say was not one of the best, and the day before was pretty bad too. However today was so much better! I love Sunday's because I start my day peacefully, I wake up and take some time to stay in bed just meditating, or talking to God, or just relaxing. Then I get up and get ready to go to Church. Going to Church always makes me feel good. I love Abundant Life Church, and the pastor Karim Camara. Everyone in the Church is so nice, it is very uplifting.

Towards the end of every service we are encouraged to come to the front of the altar, hold hands and say a special prayer, and as we are holding hands and we are listening to the pastor's words the woman holding my hand to my right starts crying. I hold on tight to her hand, and as the prayer finishes I go towards her and hug her. Then I let her go, and hug her once more, very tightly. I felt her energy go throughout my body. I got goosebumps, and I whispered in her ear: Everything is going to be OK. She thanked me, and as she pulled away I caressed her face tenderly. I know she felt better, and I did too. She thanked me several times, and I know I made a difference in that woman's life.

The pastor talked today about how we do not need to be perfect to be chosen by God. That many of the people in the Bible where not perfect, they were sinners, but they had a quality, and they where able to repent from their sins, and they are remembered for doing great things.

He talked about how sometimes we need to go through devastation to get to acceleration. That some of us are ready to allow God to accelerate us to greatness. That means that we are ready to allow God to accelerate us to greatness, allow him to bless us and not just for ourselves, but to help others. I feel that. I feel like I'm ready to put myself out there, I know I have a calling to help people, and I know that I'm ready to allow God to work through me and bless me by allowing me to be of service to other people.

Pastor Camara also mentioned the difference between a career and a calling, and I have a very clear defined difference between my career and my calling. I know that the job I have is not my calling, but through it I learn some skills that serve me to do my calling better.

I am here God, work through me, use me to be of service to others, help me help others, bless me so I can bless others.

Thank you Lord for a wonderful day, thank you for the words that I heard at Church today, thank you for a fun time at a friend's house, thank you for our meals, and the friends that we know are there for us.
Thank you for the ability to help others. Thank you for everything. Amen.

Have you ever thought about what could be your calling? Do you feel that your career and your calling are the same? Or do you see a clear difference between them?

New Beginnings

I have been away for over a month, and before that I was scarce as well. Some changes have been going on in my life that I was not ready to talk about them. But recently I have been feeling the need to get them out. Tell them to the world so I can focus on finding the path that I'm supposed to take.

I have been trying to restructure this Blog, and I think that life has made it so that I don't have a choice in this matter, it has just transformed me completely and with it this Blog.

When I chose the name Cocoons2Butterflies, I chose it because it was what I have been trying to achieve for most of my life. I have been on this constant quest to find myself, and just when I think I have found me, I realize that there's much more of me to find.

I feel that this journey should be shared. Because maybe, there is someone out there who will benefit from my story.

I am still learning, and every day I look forward to knowing a little bit more about myself than the day before.

The event that has triggered this new path is when I made the decision to stay in NYC and not move to Florida as I was expecting to do.  With this choice I have made, I also turned into a single mom, something I didn't want to be. However, I feel that this was the right choice, and when I made it I felt a huge weight come off my shoulders. I no longer feel anxiety every morning, I no longer cry every single day.

This has been one of the hardest decisions I have ever made, but I know that it was the right choice.

With this change in my life I have realized that even though I thought that I had found myself, now, with this new life ahead of me I realized that there is so much I don't know about myself and so many bad habits engrained in me, things I have to get rid of. Fear of rejection, a neediness for affection, low self esteem, feeling that I'm not good enough, not pretty enough...

But there are some things I do know now, like.

I love to sing out loud because it makes me feel like I am releasing into the wind all my feelings, be it of frustration, or love.

I love to dance, the movement of my body also allows me to release those feelings that are trapped inside of me, it makes me feel good.

I like to listen to music in Spanish. This is something I had not done since High School. When I was 13 I had my first boyfriend. I remember he liked Metallica, I had no clue who they where, but I bought their cassette and listened to it until I liked it. This was the beginning of a life of Rock and Heavy Metal music. I grew up as a "Rockera" but now, at age 37 I asked myself. What kind of music do I like? A few years ago I learned to like Hip Hop, and I listen to J-Pop with my daughter Gaby. But all these have been influences from other people in my life. So I again questioned myself and went back to my childhood, what did I listen to, before I was 13? And the answer was Spanish music. So I decided to find a Spanish Music Station who plays a wide variety of songs in Spanish and a few in English and I have been discovering many songs that I enjoy very much, I made a YouTube playlist and I learn the lyrics of the songs and I sing them at the top of my lungs and I feel great!


I love to learn new things. I love to read, especially books that teach me about how to better myself or anything new that interests me.

I love God. I was raised Catholic and went to school, and learned the Bible, and after I graduated high school I never went back to Church, but recently a friend asked me to be her daughter's godmother for her Confirmation and it required me to be a Church goer. I had to get a priest to sign a form saying that I went to Church every Sunday and that I was a member of the Church. So I went to Church every Sunday and registered myself with the Church and got the paper signed. I was also able to participate and be the Godmother of my adorable goddaughter Marylin.  After that passed, my friend April asked me if I wanted to go to Church with her. She is not Catholic, and she goes to a non-denominational Church. One day when I was feeling specially stressed out and in a bad place I decided to call her up and say that I wanted to go to Church with her, and I must say that it changed my life. I really love this Church, it really makes me feel like part of a community, and I feel the presence of God, and I feel that every week the pastor says exactly the words that I need to hear, and I know God is speaking at me through him. I never believed that I would feel this way since I had ignored God for a big chunk of my life. But here I am, and I know that's where I should be.

I love my wavy hair. My hair is normally wavy, and when I was in college I always wore it showing off the curls. But after I moved to NYC I started straightening out my hair and did so, every day. Recently I allowed my mom to convince me to cut my hair and start wearing it curly again. I must say I am very glad, it looks nice, my friends and co-workers keep complimenting me on it and it is so much easier to take care of. People say: I love what you have done with your hair. And I say: Well, I didn't do anything to it. This is my natural hair.

So here it is, a little bit of what I am learning in this New Beginning. I hope you join me on this journey and find yourself once again if you feel that any part of you has already been lost. Just know that the parts of you that are lost, are just merely waiting for you to find them and they will make you shine once more.

Love yourself!

Name 5 things that you love! Share the Love!

Sakura Matsuri 2012

 
This weekend we went to the Sakura Matsuri Festival at the Brooklyn Botanical Gardens.

Interview with Socialpunk author Monica Leonelle

Ima would give anything to escape The Dome and learn what’s beyond its barriers, but the Chicago government has kept all its citizens on lockdown ever since the Scorched Years left most of the world a desert wasteland. When a mysterious group of hooded figures enters the city unexpectedly, Ima uncovers a plot to destroy The Dome and is given the choice between escaping to a new, dangerous city or staying behind and fighting a battle she can never win.

 

This is from a cool new book called Socialpunk. It is the first installment of the Socialpunk Trilogy and I had the pleasure of being able to get a personal interview with Socialpunk author Monica Leonelle and I want to share it with you.

Cocoons2Butterflies: What got you interested in writing?

Monica: It's not a career that you choose, it's something that chooses you! I feel like I mostly write because I can't help it. I love to write and that's how I express myself, day in and day out. I can never understand how people want to be writers or authors when they don't write. I always think, "Then why aren't you writing every day?" I organically average at least 2,000 words a day writing. When I'm finishing up a manuscript, I average closer to 5,000 words a day. This is just what I do, so I never believe people who say they're going to write something but just don't have the time.

C2B: What inspired you to write Socialpunk? What gave you the idea?

Monica:  I was inspired by the city of Chicago, by social media issues in our current world, and by the cyberpunk genre. The book is a bit like the Terminator series and I reference that a couple times just for fun. James Cameron is basically my favorite director ever, and he really inspires me with his world-building and storytelling skills.

C2B: Have you written anything else besides Socialpunk Series?

Monica: Yes, my Seven Halos series. Silver Smoke is the first book in that one.

C2B: How long did it take you to write the first book?

Monica: I don't know, maybe a few months? I don't really keep track because I have so many projects (marketing or writing) in the works at any given time.

C2B: Besides writing, what other things you love to do?

Monica: I'm an editor and a marketing consultant, which you can learn about at proseonfire.com. I'm also training for a marathon and love spending time with my boyfriend and my dog.

C2B: What are your plans after you finish writing the Socialpunk Trilogy? 

Monica: I'm probably moving into serialized fiction next, just because of my work schedule. I'm working on developing two different ideas at the moment—one, kind of like Game of Thrones meets Waterworld. The other is about superheros in the 1920's. These are super generic descriptions at the time, but that's all I have so far! Either way, I'm going to keep experimenting with new ideas. I'll probably never really leave YA.

C2B: If there was no obstacle, what is something that you would love to do?

Monica: Well, I guess that's what I"m working on right now. The obstacle to a full-time writing career is money, because frankly, it doesn't pay well until you've got either a bestseller or a solid backlist. As an indie author, I'm still building my audience and backlist. So I work as an editor and marketing consultant in the meantime (both of which involve a ton of writing, of course). Right now I have a laser focus on my writing goal, so I can't say anything more original here—writing is my life and I will succeed with time.

Monica Leonelle is a well-known digital media strategist and the author of three novels. She blogs at Prose on Fire and shares her writing and social media knowledge with other bloggers and authors through her Free Writer Toolkit.


You can purchase the Kindle version of this book now on Amazon.

Blood Cursed 2 - Blood and Bones Coming Soon.

Today I want to share with you something I'm really excited about! And it's the soon to be released second installment of the Blood Cursed Series, Blood and Bones.

I had the privilege of participating in this book by helping out with editing. and I want to introduce this series to everyone. This is an Adult Paranormal Series rated M for Mature.

    Quoted from the Facebook Page:              "Blood & Bones-----In the second book of the Blood Cursed series, we find Mia and her friends encountering several different groups of supernatural beings. Some are there to help, but others have ulterior motives. While they search for the ingredients needed to help save Nathan, Zarek continues to find ways to invade Mia's dreams. Mia embarks on several life changing journeys and finds out she is stronger then she thought. Blood and Bones continues the story of Mia's journey, and is filled with just as much adventure and passion as the first book. Even though it will answer some questions left from Blood Cursed, it will add new ones leaving you wanting more.


Blood Cursed is the first of a series of Supernatural Books by writer Bambi M. Gray. This book is full of supernatural action; you have Vampires, Werewolves, fairies, demons, Sorcerers, Seers, even Minotaurs. From the first paragraph you get hooked on the story line, the characters are very likable and you automatically feel like you are in that world and that you are reading about your own friends. The story is told through the eyes of a young female Damphyre, half vampire half human that has a curse in her blood that could kill the human race. The story follows Mia, her Uncle Nathan and their supernatural friends on a quest to save Mia, and save the world. The story line hooks you from the beginning and doesn’t let you go. It is filled with love, drama, humor, adventure; it’s everything you would want from a book of this genre. But Blood Cursed has a cliffhanger ending, and for those of you who have read it I know that you have been anxiously waiting for this second installment who is going to be available very soon.

 Bambi Gray did an excellent job on this story and I highly recommend it. If you haven't read the first part go on and buy a copy, you will be so glad that you won't have to wait to read the second part for long.

What is Instant Influence?

For my birthday my favorite cousin Karla gave me this awesome book as a gift.  She said she just saw it, and thought it looked like the kind of book I like to read. At first I was surprised, since I never would have thought to buy it just by looking at it, but once I started reading it I am impressed with the book and I absolutely love it.

I am not done with the book yet, however what I like is that not only it teaches you how to use Instant Influence with people at work and such, it is something that you can use with yourself. It helps you find a way to influence yourself into doing things that you believe you should do but haven't gotten around to it. Like exercising, or eating healthier.

It gives you tips on how to deal with people who are depressed, employees that are not being productive, kids who don't clean their bedrooms. (sounds like anyone you know?)

I carry the book around me all the time, trying to read it at any free time I have. The principle of the book is that you cannot convince people to do things based on your own reasons. The trick is to find a way to have the person find their own reasons why they would want to do the thing that you would want them to do. Find out what their true motivation is and that will create the influence.

When I finish the book I will come back and give you some tips that I found on the book. In the meantime, if this sounds like a book you'd want to read, click on the image above to be directed to the amazon website to purchase the book.

:)

Japan Society J-Cation

On Saturday me and the girls went to the 2012 Japan Society J-Cation. I must say it was an amazing event! The place was breathtaking, it had tons of fun activities and great yummy food.

We participated on workshops, a Game Show and even sang a little bit of Karaoke. I must say that the Japan Society did an amazing job. And on May 5/6 they will be having an Open House that we are sure to come by again.  If you are in the NYC area, please check them out.

Here are some pictures of the event.