Can you choose who you fall in Love with?

Today I was pondering on what Love is. In the book The Power from Rhonda Byrne, Love is the positive force of Life.

"Everything you want to be, do or have comes from love"

The book speaks of Love as energy, it is what makes us like anything. Every creation is dependent on love, because it is the passion, and love of the inventor that allows him to create. It is everything we want in life.

But what about Romantic Love?

There are many sayings about how we cannot choose who we love. But what if we could?
Lately I have been contemplating on the idea, on the possibility that Romantic Love is something that we ourselves create. We can have total control over it.

Many will say that it is not true. Maybe I have never felt true love. Maybe every person I have loved I have done so because I wanted to Love them. Does this make sense?

If you think of Love as an emotion, and we think that emotions come from our thoughts, and we take into consideration that we have total control of our thoughts, then it would make sense that we are in control of who we choose to fall in love with.

When I look back at my life, and to all I have ever loved, I now can see that there was some choice involved. Sometimes you like a certain quality in someone, and you have a particular want for that, and you make a choice to allow that person into your heart.

In the book  The Secrets of Happily Married Women it is mentioned that in the beginning stages of a romantic relationship there is a chemical reaction in our bodies that makes us feel infatuated to our new partners. And I also read that:

According to scientific research, emotions are generated during the process of meeting and falling in love because of chemical reactions that occur in our bodies. For example, whenever you first meet someone and feel attracted, your brain creates phenyl ethylamine, known as the "love drug." Dopamine and norepinephren are two more chemicals that arise from just thinking loving thoughts about another. Those two help us to feel excited and interested enough to actually touch or kiss someone, and that sets off more chain reactions, beginning with serotonin, which produces feelings of relaxation. Now the door to trust is open.  (excerpt)

But this chemical reaction in our bodies is just temporary. We stay in love because we make a choice to keep our partners and we make a conscious effort to nurture the Love.

But I also believe that the first initial reaction to someone, that first inkling of love, is also voluntary. We have to be open to the idea of love, we have to be looking for something, and we have to be open to become vulnerable to that attraction once we see someone we like. We have hope that the other person will like us back and if they don't then we feel rejected and sad because we feel the loss after we made the choice to open our hearts and be vulnerable to it.

At this moment in time I feel like I am a little bit hardened, I'm more cautious when it comes to allowing other people into my life, but I am still open to the possibility of someday allowing myself to love and be loved.  But I feel weird lately that I am hardened like this, because I see my relationships with people as being significant, but I see them as practical. I make the choice to be friends with whoever is my friend, but being fully aware of their flaws and their good qualities, and I am so cautious as to not allow myself to be vulnerable with anyone at this time. But part of me doesn't like it because there is no sense of that excitement, that feeling of being ecstatic for anything. I enjoy my days, I enjoy my family, my friends, but I am not excited about stuff in general, except maybe the coconut pops from Henson's Canteen at the Loom (LOL)

But I guess this is just a temporary phase and in a not so far away future I will feel safe enough to be vulnerable once again.

What do you think about Love? Do you think it is possible to choose Love? Or do you think it is something that chooses us and we have no control over it?

Please share!

Marriage Myths Revealed - Part 2

I'm continuing today the last week's topic of Marriage Myths. Today we are going to be talking about the last 3 myths.

• Myth# 3 - In Happy Marriages, Child Care and Housework Are Evenly Distributed

          Why is this myth so destructive? Well, since the beginning of time women have been taking care of most of the child care and housework in the family. Even though times have changed, and men now are taking care of many of the tasks that had originally been expected to be a "women's job" it is shown that to this day women still do most of the housework and child rearing. Yet women have grown to be more discontent with this arrangement and expect the work to be divided equally. By expecting this women tend to then be less happy and more resentful and have less happy marriages. Instead women should be happy if their significant other helps out as much as they can, but don't wait for full equality in order to be happy, or you probably won't be.

• Myth #4 - Both Partners Are Responsible for the Level of Marital Happiness

 Many women tend to feel like if their husbands are in a constant bad mood then they are helpless to change them.  I have heard from friends complaints about their husbands and how it is them that have the problem, and they can't do anything about it.
The author believes something different. He says that many of his female patients will come to him complaining that if the husband has a bad mood then it is their own husband's responsibility to fix it, but the author says that there is something that the wife can do.

He recommends that the female take charge of her own happiness, if the man is in a bad mood the woman can take care of herself and by doing things to lighten her own mood she will be in turn lighting up the mood of her husband because there will be a more positive attitude in general in the household.

So it is possible to improve the dynamics of the relationship even if only one of the members of the couple is making an effort.

• Myth #5 - If Your Marriage Makes You Unhappy, the Best Solution Is to Get Out

The author says that in his practice he has encountered many couples who have chosen to divorce mainly for 3 reasons:

-The couple has grown apart
-Difference in lifestyles and values
-Not feeling loved or appreciated by the spouse


According to the author these are not the best reasons to choose divorce. He states that when people grow up, get older, they tend to grow in different directions, it is very unlikely that both will grow exactly on the same path, so it's selfish to expect another human being to grow on the exact direction of another without some differences.


Regarding the differences in values and lifestyles he says that it usually refers to having differences on how to spend the money and raise the kids. It is suggested that the couple work on learning to compromise and see different points of view.


When the times are not so good, it helps to concentrate on the benefits of marriage. Women that
believe that marriage is for as long as you both shall live instead of until both shall love tend to have better marriages and work harder at it. Women tend to be the ones who complain more about the satisfaction in the marriage and if they instead focus on the positive aspects of the marriage the husband tends to appreciate the effort and they end up meeting the wife's needs more over time.



Well, these are the 5 most destructive myths about marriage. if you want to learn more I recommend you read the book The Secrets of Happily Married Women
it is a very interesting book with many insights to the world of Happily Married Women.


What do you think about the Myths? Do you agree with them, or disagree?

Marriage Myths Revealed - Part 1

As I said before, I am dedicating the month of February to Marriage, Relationships, Heart Health, and Love.

I am going to start a series of posts regarding these topics and today I would like to start off with the first part of the two part post on the 5 most Harmful Myths about Marriage, I really want a discussion to develop on this one so please feel free to write your comments and let me know what you think about these myths.

I have been reading this really good book on Marriage called The Secrets of Happily Married Women and in the chapter called Take Charge of Your Own Happiness it describes 5 of the most destructive myths about marriage. The book says that believing these myths are actually detrimental to your marital happiness. I found this book to be very good, and it gives advice that I find valuable. However it is not for everyone as it is a man that writes the book and some of his comments might be seen by some as controversial. But to me they, are sound advice.

• Myth #1 - Marriage automatically makes you happy.

The book says that there is a difference between Personal Happiness and Marital happiness. Most people refer to general happiness as personal happiness, but in marriage there are times when one has to put aside their personal happiness in favor of marital happiness. The author explains that once a couple gets married they should put marital happiness first above personal happiness. Husbands and Wives need to consider how their actions affect each other. When couples take time to consider each other they will be happier as a couple. By being happier as a couple they then to be happier in general which works out to everyone's benefit.

I really think this makes a lot of sense, because in a marriage the happiness of one influences the happiness of the other, and the same goes the other way around.

• Myth #2 - Good Marriages are always Passionate and Heart Throbbing

The author says that he hears in his office many times women who come to him worried that they love their husbands but they are not "in-love" with them anymore. He says that when a wife says that she loves her husband but is no longer in love with him she means that she has a strong core connection but not that knock-your-socks-off attraction that was there at the beginning of the marriage. It usually means that the wife feels a sense of commitment, mutual obligation, trust and security, but not the raging fire of passion they felt when they where dating.

What I found most interesting about this is that the author says that for most couples that intensity of passion that was felt at the beginning of the relationship is usually a temporary state. The feelings that we all have when we fall in love come directly from our biological makeup. When we feel desire and longing it is because our brain is being influenced by the hormone estrogen if you are a woman and testosterone if you are a man. After that comes a phase of infatuation and the emotional excitement, brain activity and chemical body changes in both men and women in much the same way. It is the body's way to give the couple time to bond with their mate to insure the survival of the species.

Losing the thrill of passionate love is a jolt that hits almost every married couple eventually....
...that definitely does not mean "it's over." Absolutely not. In healthy marriages, the love is still there, but out of evolutionary and practical necessity, it has changed.

Those who are patient with this life change (and happily married women are remarkably patient) will see that these passions transform themselves into the kind of love that holds a marriage together for the long haul.

In its next stage, love pushes the brain to produce vasopressin and oxytocin-chemicals associated with feelings of attachment and contentment that encourage the sense of calm, peace, and security that couples feel with a long-term partner. This is the kind of love that is lasting and, if accepted and nurtured, will accompany you and your husband through many years of a happy marriage.1

I think that this particular myth is very significant. Many couples tend to think that they have fallen out of love, when the reality is that the love has evolved into a different stage. The reason why this myth is so detrimental is because it brings couples to sometimes look for another person outside the marriage looking for that passion they felt for their spouses in the beginning.  But these affairs also don't tend to last, because soon the passionate phase will also fade in the affair, and the damage will already have been made with the spouse. If  people understood that this powerfully passionate state is just a phase, then maybe less people would go out of their marriages looking for what they think is missing in their relationship. Instead of looking for a missing piece, couples who face this stepping stone in their marriage should instead look within each other and see where the relationship has evolved and in which ways it is bringing more stability to the relationship.

What do you think about these 2 first myths, do you agree or disagree with them? Have you ever believed any of these myths?

Next week we are going to be talking about the next 3 myths, these are very controversial and I know many of you will have different opinions on them


1. Scott Haltzman MD;Theresa Foy DiGeronimo. The Secrets of Happily Married Women: How to Get More Out of Your Relationship by Doing Less (Kindle Locations 1582-1584). Kindle Edition.

Happy 1st Birthday Cocoons2Butterflies!

Today is Cocoons2Butterflies 1st Birthday! I can't believe that a year has gone by so fast!

My First Ever Post was about Super Parenting and I remember that I even tried to create a Giveaway back then. The only person that entered the contest was my daughter and my mother. LOL

I'm still trying to figure some things out, but I consider that this Blog has exceeded my expectations for its first year and I am very proud of myself and I am very grateful for all the amazing people that I have met along the way.

This week I am going to write a two part article on the 5 Most Harmful Myths about Marriage and I want to get the discussions going here.

A brand new year, a whole new set of goals and dreams.

When is your Blog Birthday? How Old is your Blog Today? Do you think it has changed throughout the years?

How do you deal when your hubby is out of town?

Recently my mother in law passed away and before that, in the ending of May she had gotten sick and my hubby went to be by her side. He spend about a week away and as the days went by I noticed myself getting antsy. I sleep in the corner of the bed, I feel bad locking the door with the chain because I have this sensation that he's going to come in soon. It is like his presence is here even though he isn't. Last time he was away I realized that I spent quite some time shopping. I spent a few hundred dollars in stuff and I cried as I put things in my shopping cart because part of me knew that I was just shopping to make myself feel better. Shopping Therapy is real! I don't know what it is, maybe is the fact that we give ourselves a treat, something that makes us feel good, like for example, last time I bought myself a blender, and some margarita mixers. This time since my hubby left to the funeral, I have found a way to be out of the house every day, and I bought myself some make-up, about $70 worth of it. : P And everything I buy is thinking about him. I buy make up to make me these cat-eyes, that he likes so much and I don't know how to do. I have learned quite a few things about myself  that I didn't realize it until I have spent this time away from him. I enjoy sleeping with him in my bed, feeling his body close to mine, especially when he puts his arm around me. I enjoy watching certain TV shows with him, like The Voice, and White Collar, Modern Family, The Middle, etc. It is not the same without him. I enjoy having this time to spend it with him, even if we are only staring at the TV, even if I fall asleep half way. I find it so valuable to be able to laugh together like we do when we watch these shows.
Another thing I learned is that I like going out, I hesitate to go out sometimes because I feel overwhelmed with things sometimes, but once I block that I fully enjoy going out. I work part time, it's summer, girls don't have school, or homework, so there's no need to worry about getting home late. The only drawback is no time for chores. I want to be able to go out with my hubby more often. I used to be so concerned about my work before, but now, I don't care anymore, I do not live to work, that's something I learned recently about me too.
Because I believe we are constantly evolving, and the things that made us who we were 3 years ago, are not the same things that make us who we are today. And I know I am so different than what I was 3 years ago, and my hubby it is as well. We constantly need to learn about each other and be able to put the past behind us so that we can grow and bloom.
How do you deal when your husband is out of town?

How to Improve your relationship without talking about it.

I just recently finished reading an amazing book called How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It It is an amazing book, and I think every person who is in a relationship or who has ever been in a serious relationship should read it. I am sure that if everyone read this book, there would be less divorce and more happy couples. I personally bought the Kindle version of the book and I am very happy with my purchase and I am sure that this will improve my marriage without talking about it.
It makes so much sense, think about it. A woman is upset with her man, and she approaches him with, "we need to talk" How do you think the man is going to react? "Sure honey, sit next to me and let's talk" When was the last time you heard that? How about never!
What if she suggests therapy? How many men you know accept to go willingly to marriage counseling? and if they do agree, how many times has it really worked?
I have read numerous books on relationships and the majority of them needed the male counterpart's cooperation in order to work, but this book actually works even if your partner doesn't read it, or even if you don't even tell him that you read the book, or ask him anything about it or comment anything about it.

The great thing about this book is that it helps you understand the other side of the coin, it explains the differences between men and women and how each have their own way of dealing with stressful situations, how men tend to feel shame and need to feel like they are providing for their family and being good, sexy, amazing men to their wives and women fear abandonment and have a constant need of feeling loved and protected. It helps you see how many times the things we do can cause these fear/shame dynamic to unfold, without us meaning to do it, even without us knowing. It help us learn to catch these instances, and help us be compassionate of the other and change our behavior and in return our partners change their behavior as well, when they no longer feel the need to be defensive.
The book is written by a man and a woman therapist ( Steven Stosny Phd (Author), Patricia Edd Love (Author) ) and they write for each of the sexes so men or women can both benefit from it. I wonder if it would work for same sex partners? or if it would help in other relationships as well?
The only thing about the book is that it might not be as effective if it's read by a newly wed couple or a couple who is still in the romantic phase of their relationship, unless that person has previously experienced some kind of rockiness in their previous relationships, because they might not be able to relate to it. When a couple is new it tends to be all lovey dovey and everything is pink and flowers and someone in that stage probably wouldn't  believe that there is a possibility that they could ever have problems in the relationship so they wouldn't believe it. But if you have ever been in a relationship where you felt like you had a hard time communicating with your partner then this book is for you. Go and buy it. What are you waiting for? Yes, you. The one that's looking at me looking at you looking at me. Ha! Just kidding. But I do recommend it and I would put it on the list of books that changed my life.
Can you relate?

How do you find time for your spouse?

Today I was planing on writing about something else. Wednesdays are Random Topic Day, but as I read through my twitter today I came across a tweet by Megan Calhoun @SocialMoms that asked the question: How do you find time for your spouse? It immediately caught my attention. How do you find time for your spouse? - What do you love most about your spouse? Do you guys go out once a month? What was the last thing your partner did to make you smile? I wasn't aware that Social Moms had writing prompts and I decided to give it a try.
My hubby works a lot, he's not only the owner of his own businesses but he also has a full time job separate from that. Most days he comes home late at night and we don't spend that much time together. It is only after 11:30pm that I get the chance to lay down in bed and watch some movie or a show on TV and we spend that time together. The tough part is that I tend to fall asleep really fast especially on days when I haven't had a nap before he gets home. I find it helpful to take a nap before 10pm so that I can stay awake later.
On the weekends sometimes we get the chance to go out as a family, last weekend we went to the Jekyll and Hyde Club restaurant with the kids and a friend that was visiting NY for the first time. I enjoy a lot those times when we have the opportunity to share as a family. As for couple time, I feel that my favorite part is feeling his arm around me when we sleep, having him close and feeling his warmth makes me instantly smile.
I love when he is silly with the girls and plays with them, and how thoughtful and giving he is. I appreciate when he text me to tell me something that happened in his day, or to share a silly picture he made on his phone, or when he surprises us with something new.
My husband and I are very different, we like different things and our ideas of going out and having fun are very different, but we've learned to work around that and I wouldn't trade him for the world.