Marriage Myths Revealed - Part 2

I'm continuing today the last week's topic of Marriage Myths. Today we are going to be talking about the last 3 myths.

• Myth# 3 - In Happy Marriages, Child Care and Housework Are Evenly Distributed

          Why is this myth so destructive? Well, since the beginning of time women have been taking care of most of the child care and housework in the family. Even though times have changed, and men now are taking care of many of the tasks that had originally been expected to be a "women's job" it is shown that to this day women still do most of the housework and child rearing. Yet women have grown to be more discontent with this arrangement and expect the work to be divided equally. By expecting this women tend to then be less happy and more resentful and have less happy marriages. Instead women should be happy if their significant other helps out as much as they can, but don't wait for full equality in order to be happy, or you probably won't be.

• Myth #4 - Both Partners Are Responsible for the Level of Marital Happiness

 Many women tend to feel like if their husbands are in a constant bad mood then they are helpless to change them.  I have heard from friends complaints about their husbands and how it is them that have the problem, and they can't do anything about it.
The author believes something different. He says that many of his female patients will come to him complaining that if the husband has a bad mood then it is their own husband's responsibility to fix it, but the author says that there is something that the wife can do.

He recommends that the female take charge of her own happiness, if the man is in a bad mood the woman can take care of herself and by doing things to lighten her own mood she will be in turn lighting up the mood of her husband because there will be a more positive attitude in general in the household.

So it is possible to improve the dynamics of the relationship even if only one of the members of the couple is making an effort.

• Myth #5 - If Your Marriage Makes You Unhappy, the Best Solution Is to Get Out

The author says that in his practice he has encountered many couples who have chosen to divorce mainly for 3 reasons:

-The couple has grown apart
-Difference in lifestyles and values
-Not feeling loved or appreciated by the spouse


According to the author these are not the best reasons to choose divorce. He states that when people grow up, get older, they tend to grow in different directions, it is very unlikely that both will grow exactly on the same path, so it's selfish to expect another human being to grow on the exact direction of another without some differences.


Regarding the differences in values and lifestyles he says that it usually refers to having differences on how to spend the money and raise the kids. It is suggested that the couple work on learning to compromise and see different points of view.


When the times are not so good, it helps to concentrate on the benefits of marriage. Women that
believe that marriage is for as long as you both shall live instead of until both shall love tend to have better marriages and work harder at it. Women tend to be the ones who complain more about the satisfaction in the marriage and if they instead focus on the positive aspects of the marriage the husband tends to appreciate the effort and they end up meeting the wife's needs more over time.



Well, these are the 5 most destructive myths about marriage. if you want to learn more I recommend you read the book The Secrets of Happily Married Women
it is a very interesting book with many insights to the world of Happily Married Women.


What do you think about the Myths? Do you agree with them, or disagree?

Marriage Myths Revealed - Part 1

As I said before, I am dedicating the month of February to Marriage, Relationships, Heart Health, and Love.

I am going to start a series of posts regarding these topics and today I would like to start off with the first part of the two part post on the 5 most Harmful Myths about Marriage, I really want a discussion to develop on this one so please feel free to write your comments and let me know what you think about these myths.

I have been reading this really good book on Marriage called The Secrets of Happily Married Women and in the chapter called Take Charge of Your Own Happiness it describes 5 of the most destructive myths about marriage. The book says that believing these myths are actually detrimental to your marital happiness. I found this book to be very good, and it gives advice that I find valuable. However it is not for everyone as it is a man that writes the book and some of his comments might be seen by some as controversial. But to me they, are sound advice.

• Myth #1 - Marriage automatically makes you happy.

The book says that there is a difference between Personal Happiness and Marital happiness. Most people refer to general happiness as personal happiness, but in marriage there are times when one has to put aside their personal happiness in favor of marital happiness. The author explains that once a couple gets married they should put marital happiness first above personal happiness. Husbands and Wives need to consider how their actions affect each other. When couples take time to consider each other they will be happier as a couple. By being happier as a couple they then to be happier in general which works out to everyone's benefit.

I really think this makes a lot of sense, because in a marriage the happiness of one influences the happiness of the other, and the same goes the other way around.

• Myth #2 - Good Marriages are always Passionate and Heart Throbbing

The author says that he hears in his office many times women who come to him worried that they love their husbands but they are not "in-love" with them anymore. He says that when a wife says that she loves her husband but is no longer in love with him she means that she has a strong core connection but not that knock-your-socks-off attraction that was there at the beginning of the marriage. It usually means that the wife feels a sense of commitment, mutual obligation, trust and security, but not the raging fire of passion they felt when they where dating.

What I found most interesting about this is that the author says that for most couples that intensity of passion that was felt at the beginning of the relationship is usually a temporary state. The feelings that we all have when we fall in love come directly from our biological makeup. When we feel desire and longing it is because our brain is being influenced by the hormone estrogen if you are a woman and testosterone if you are a man. After that comes a phase of infatuation and the emotional excitement, brain activity and chemical body changes in both men and women in much the same way. It is the body's way to give the couple time to bond with their mate to insure the survival of the species.

Losing the thrill of passionate love is a jolt that hits almost every married couple eventually....
...that definitely does not mean "it's over." Absolutely not. In healthy marriages, the love is still there, but out of evolutionary and practical necessity, it has changed.

Those who are patient with this life change (and happily married women are remarkably patient) will see that these passions transform themselves into the kind of love that holds a marriage together for the long haul.

In its next stage, love pushes the brain to produce vasopressin and oxytocin-chemicals associated with feelings of attachment and contentment that encourage the sense of calm, peace, and security that couples feel with a long-term partner. This is the kind of love that is lasting and, if accepted and nurtured, will accompany you and your husband through many years of a happy marriage.1

I think that this particular myth is very significant. Many couples tend to think that they have fallen out of love, when the reality is that the love has evolved into a different stage. The reason why this myth is so detrimental is because it brings couples to sometimes look for another person outside the marriage looking for that passion they felt for their spouses in the beginning.  But these affairs also don't tend to last, because soon the passionate phase will also fade in the affair, and the damage will already have been made with the spouse. If  people understood that this powerfully passionate state is just a phase, then maybe less people would go out of their marriages looking for what they think is missing in their relationship. Instead of looking for a missing piece, couples who face this stepping stone in their marriage should instead look within each other and see where the relationship has evolved and in which ways it is bringing more stability to the relationship.

What do you think about these 2 first myths, do you agree or disagree with them? Have you ever believed any of these myths?

Next week we are going to be talking about the next 3 myths, these are very controversial and I know many of you will have different opinions on them


1. Scott Haltzman MD;Theresa Foy DiGeronimo. The Secrets of Happily Married Women: How to Get More Out of Your Relationship by Doing Less (Kindle Locations 1582-1584). Kindle Edition.