Marriage Myths Revealed - Part 1

As I said before, I am dedicating the month of February to Marriage, Relationships, Heart Health, and Love.

I am going to start a series of posts regarding these topics and today I would like to start off with the first part of the two part post on the 5 most Harmful Myths about Marriage, I really want a discussion to develop on this one so please feel free to write your comments and let me know what you think about these myths.

I have been reading this really good book on Marriage called The Secrets of Happily Married Women and in the chapter called Take Charge of Your Own Happiness it describes 5 of the most destructive myths about marriage. The book says that believing these myths are actually detrimental to your marital happiness. I found this book to be very good, and it gives advice that I find valuable. However it is not for everyone as it is a man that writes the book and some of his comments might be seen by some as controversial. But to me they, are sound advice.

• Myth #1 - Marriage automatically makes you happy.

The book says that there is a difference between Personal Happiness and Marital happiness. Most people refer to general happiness as personal happiness, but in marriage there are times when one has to put aside their personal happiness in favor of marital happiness. The author explains that once a couple gets married they should put marital happiness first above personal happiness. Husbands and Wives need to consider how their actions affect each other. When couples take time to consider each other they will be happier as a couple. By being happier as a couple they then to be happier in general which works out to everyone's benefit.

I really think this makes a lot of sense, because in a marriage the happiness of one influences the happiness of the other, and the same goes the other way around.

• Myth #2 - Good Marriages are always Passionate and Heart Throbbing

The author says that he hears in his office many times women who come to him worried that they love their husbands but they are not "in-love" with them anymore. He says that when a wife says that she loves her husband but is no longer in love with him she means that she has a strong core connection but not that knock-your-socks-off attraction that was there at the beginning of the marriage. It usually means that the wife feels a sense of commitment, mutual obligation, trust and security, but not the raging fire of passion they felt when they where dating.

What I found most interesting about this is that the author says that for most couples that intensity of passion that was felt at the beginning of the relationship is usually a temporary state. The feelings that we all have when we fall in love come directly from our biological makeup. When we feel desire and longing it is because our brain is being influenced by the hormone estrogen if you are a woman and testosterone if you are a man. After that comes a phase of infatuation and the emotional excitement, brain activity and chemical body changes in both men and women in much the same way. It is the body's way to give the couple time to bond with their mate to insure the survival of the species.

Losing the thrill of passionate love is a jolt that hits almost every married couple eventually....
...that definitely does not mean "it's over." Absolutely not. In healthy marriages, the love is still there, but out of evolutionary and practical necessity, it has changed.

Those who are patient with this life change (and happily married women are remarkably patient) will see that these passions transform themselves into the kind of love that holds a marriage together for the long haul.

In its next stage, love pushes the brain to produce vasopressin and oxytocin-chemicals associated with feelings of attachment and contentment that encourage the sense of calm, peace, and security that couples feel with a long-term partner. This is the kind of love that is lasting and, if accepted and nurtured, will accompany you and your husband through many years of a happy marriage.1

I think that this particular myth is very significant. Many couples tend to think that they have fallen out of love, when the reality is that the love has evolved into a different stage. The reason why this myth is so detrimental is because it brings couples to sometimes look for another person outside the marriage looking for that passion they felt for their spouses in the beginning.  But these affairs also don't tend to last, because soon the passionate phase will also fade in the affair, and the damage will already have been made with the spouse. If  people understood that this powerfully passionate state is just a phase, then maybe less people would go out of their marriages looking for what they think is missing in their relationship. Instead of looking for a missing piece, couples who face this stepping stone in their marriage should instead look within each other and see where the relationship has evolved and in which ways it is bringing more stability to the relationship.

What do you think about these 2 first myths, do you agree or disagree with them? Have you ever believed any of these myths?

Next week we are going to be talking about the next 3 myths, these are very controversial and I know many of you will have different opinions on them


1. Scott Haltzman MD;Theresa Foy DiGeronimo. The Secrets of Happily Married Women: How to Get More Out of Your Relationship by Doing Less (Kindle Locations 1582-1584). Kindle Edition.

How to Improve your relationship without talking about it.

I just recently finished reading an amazing book called How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It It is an amazing book, and I think every person who is in a relationship or who has ever been in a serious relationship should read it. I am sure that if everyone read this book, there would be less divorce and more happy couples. I personally bought the Kindle version of the book and I am very happy with my purchase and I am sure that this will improve my marriage without talking about it.
It makes so much sense, think about it. A woman is upset with her man, and she approaches him with, "we need to talk" How do you think the man is going to react? "Sure honey, sit next to me and let's talk" When was the last time you heard that? How about never!
What if she suggests therapy? How many men you know accept to go willingly to marriage counseling? and if they do agree, how many times has it really worked?
I have read numerous books on relationships and the majority of them needed the male counterpart's cooperation in order to work, but this book actually works even if your partner doesn't read it, or even if you don't even tell him that you read the book, or ask him anything about it or comment anything about it.

The great thing about this book is that it helps you understand the other side of the coin, it explains the differences between men and women and how each have their own way of dealing with stressful situations, how men tend to feel shame and need to feel like they are providing for their family and being good, sexy, amazing men to their wives and women fear abandonment and have a constant need of feeling loved and protected. It helps you see how many times the things we do can cause these fear/shame dynamic to unfold, without us meaning to do it, even without us knowing. It help us learn to catch these instances, and help us be compassionate of the other and change our behavior and in return our partners change their behavior as well, when they no longer feel the need to be defensive.
The book is written by a man and a woman therapist ( Steven Stosny Phd (Author), Patricia Edd Love (Author) ) and they write for each of the sexes so men or women can both benefit from it. I wonder if it would work for same sex partners? or if it would help in other relationships as well?
The only thing about the book is that it might not be as effective if it's read by a newly wed couple or a couple who is still in the romantic phase of their relationship, unless that person has previously experienced some kind of rockiness in their previous relationships, because they might not be able to relate to it. When a couple is new it tends to be all lovey dovey and everything is pink and flowers and someone in that stage probably wouldn't  believe that there is a possibility that they could ever have problems in the relationship so they wouldn't believe it. But if you have ever been in a relationship where you felt like you had a hard time communicating with your partner then this book is for you. Go and buy it. What are you waiting for? Yes, you. The one that's looking at me looking at you looking at me. Ha! Just kidding. But I do recommend it and I would put it on the list of books that changed my life.
Can you relate?